Parenting

Dater's Ed, First Gear: Pave the way to healthy teen relationships

By Lisa Jander

Parenting

"Geez, Mom, I'm old enough to drive, why can't I date?" I was sitting at the kitchen table contemplating that question as I signed the Driver's Ed log for my son.

I was about to promise the world with my signature that my child had, in fact, driven these required hours with me in the car. Yes, I had spent a good number of those hours gripping the passenger door handle and biting my tongue. Occasionally I had blurted out some vital warning to save us from a fender-bender, like "Dude! Truck!"

He had been driving with a permit for just over a year and was actually doing quite well now. His torqued response to my less-than-subtle correction was always the same: "Mom, I know what I'm doing!" Really? Then why is my tongue bleeding?

Eventually I agreed. He did know how to drive. I had been sitting right there in the passenger's seat, watching, praying, and teaching him. At this very moment, if he had to drive me to the store, I could calmly ride along and look at the scenery.

But dating? You want me to hand over the keys to dating? That's another story. How on earth do I sign off on that lack of education?

Will I ever be able to relax when he's out there holding hands at the mall or stealing glances at his girlfriend over a plate of spaghetti? "This spaghetti reminds me of your curls, Mary Jane." How do I know when he's ready? How will HE know when he's ready?

As I flipped through page after page of "Supervised Hours Driven" in the driving logbook, the answer began to form itself. I had been present for every mile, every brake squeal, and every bumper-threatening ride through our quiet little town as he learned to handle a two-ton vehicle. The State of Michigan said I had to be there - to supervise, to correct, to teach. In dating, there is no state mandated instruction, no license, no test, not even a manual to tell a kid how to safely navigate through the dating maze.

Mom's Dating Course

Was this going to be up to me? What if he takes corners too sharply or doesn't see the person in his blind spot while he's dating? Why do kids have to log hours with their parents before they can drive unaccompanied, but at some magic age we give them the thumbs up to date with no experience whatsoever? I don't get to ride along as he's hugging turns and I'm left standing, coughing, and worrying in the dust. Where does this little sparkplug think he will get his dating practice anyway? Is my student even entitled to a "dating permit"? Wait a minute... Maybe the state has given me a way to "license" my kid. I could use the Driver's Ed system to teach my kid how to keep from hitting the concrete wall of a dating disaster.

Is there a chance that your child will go through life without ever driving or dating? "No thank you, I don't care for fast cars or hot babes." Sure, there's a chance. And I might win the Daytona 500 next year in my beige minivan.

What formal training program do you have planned to hone each of these skills that are so important to your kid's future? I mean, dating and driving - these are two very dangerous, fast-paced activities that require more instruction than a "Read Me" can provide. Unless you grab the wheel, your student will end up dating full throttle oblivious to any performance expectations.

Here's the good news. The Driver's Ed manual provides a perfect instructional parallel every parent can use. We can slowly let out the clutch and teach our kids how to date just like we teach them to drive. They can earn their "Graduated Dater's License" when they have demonstrated that they can date with all four tires on the ground. We can show them how to determine clunkers from show-room prizes, separate Gremlins from Ferraris.

We understand that our own little darlings are being tuned-up, painted, and assembled into their own dating "vehicle." They will become either fully loaded smart machines that handle well and avoid accidents or beater cars that need repair for the rest of their lives.

Our student's "safety package" could well depend on how we, as parents, mold them and teach them before they venture out on their own. We are "instructors" and "mechanics." We can use common road signs and simple driver's education tools to keep our babies safe and focused on the path ahead of them. Do you want to see your daughter crash headlong into an oncoming street thug or parallel park with the Student Council president? How would you feel if you stood by, silent, while your son accelerated inappropriately into a wreck of a girl, when you had the means to keep him "inside the cones"?

Dating Smart

First, let's look at the "why" before we put this vehicle in drive. You might be asking "Do I really want to promote the natural instinct my student has to go looking for "love"? Isn't there some kind of cooling system that can quench this burning force to prevent their spontaneous combustion?" Well, the short and very loud answer is "NO!" Sure, you can examine all the intricate sociological motivations for why your child wants to date - Are they filling a need? Are they not getting attention at home? - but that would require another book and a Ph.D. I don't have.

And yes, we should actively try to discourage premature or uneducated dating at all cost. HOWEVER, what is more natural and organic than the desire to be with a member of the opposite sex? It's not even about anything as well developed as the word "romance." In 3rd grade, when Joey pulls Jennifer's pigtails, he doesn't even know why. He's not planning their prom date - he just wants to touch her hair. As parents, knowing and acknowledging that kids will form attractions for one another, we accept that it is going to happen.

If we can agree to be the director, the guide, the primary observer, we have a chance that their inevitable magnetism attracts them to each other gently and wisely, instead of like two buses colliding in a disaster.

How Parents Can Help

So let's look at three practical ways we can prepare for this inevitable journey for which our precious six-foot, two hundred and fifty pound "babies" or petite little princesses will surely be revving their engines.

1. "After-market options." When you buy a new car, you do plenty of research in advance: read brochures, Consumer Reports and of course, order the options that are important to you. Keywords here: in advance. Did you by the book on "baby care" in the labor and delivery room? I hope not! That would be like shutting the garage door after someone steals your car. My point is this. Do your research on healthy relationships well in advance and you will have a better shot at "installing" the options into your teen's brain before their wheels start spinning. Get busy!

2. Go online and see what's happening in the teen world these days. Getting a jump-start on issues, behaviors and trends is critical for charging your battery and helps you make the connection. Learning about your teen from your teen is not a good idea. Would you let them teach you how to drive?

3. Pay attention to your own personal "relationship model" because chances are your teen will "manufacture" the same tendencies. After all, they have been assembled with many of the same parts and in the same factory. Are any of your parts, like perhaps, loyalty, self-control or common sense on recall or defective? Ask your spouse or best friend what they would change about your model. Ouch!

I'm hoping by now you see where this is headed. Yep, downhill fast! Don't be discouraged; I once saw a girl chasing her car that was rolling down an embankment. She jumped in just in time to hit the tree. Not really, but I bet that has happened more than once.

My advice? Get in while the car is in neutral, check the mirrors and buckle your seat belt. You are in for quite a ride!

Coming soon: Dater's Ed Second Gear: The road map.

Lisa Jander is a Certified Life Coach, CTACC, public speaker, and former director of a dating service. As the mother of two teens and surrogate to hundreds more, ‘Mama J' shares her unique relationship insights with her readers in her book, Dater's Ed: The Instruction Manual for Parents www.datersed.com. Her seminars and interactive workshops provide parents and students with creative tools to navigate the relationship highway. She lives with her husband Owen and their children in Lake Orion, Michigan.